April 6, 2020
When I look in the mirror, I see someone else. Someone new. As a child and admittedly an adult I would always fantasize and toy with the idea of being pregnant. I would stuff a soccer ball or balloon in my shirt and waddle around. Now that it’s not play anymore, it’s weird. I feel weird. And to be completely transparent, I’m scared that’s I’ll never love my body again.
I’ve never struggled with my weight or body image. Dieting or working out to change what I didn’t like about myself has never been my thing. I have always felt confident in myself and the way I looked. I love the way I look now. As my pregnancy goes on, I have this thought I have lingering in my head.
Little things have become more uncomfortable, like sleeping and putting on my socks and shoes. Doing the dishes has become harder. My growing belly plus my short my arms doesn’t make for the easiest dish washing process. I can’t reach the clothes out of our washing machine( We have a top loader). I can feel tightness is my skin everyday and my back has exploded with acne. That’s something else I’ve never had to deal with. Acne. And now I don’t even want to look back there. My ribs feel really sore during the day and it feels nearly impossible for that feeling to go away.
I definitely don’t want this to sound like I’m complaining because I know these are all normal things. NORMAL FOR GROWING A HUMAN BEING. It’s still hard to get used to it.
Many women don’t get to experience this uncomfortableness and I thought I would be one of those. I get to feel uncomfortable and struggle with things I’ve never struggled with before. I’m definitely learning humility that’s for sure.
It still doesn’t feel real that in a few months there will be a baby in my arms. We’ve received more items from our registry that come in the mail randomly. It’s such a fun surprise!! Which to me, is way more fun than awkwardly opening them in front of a bunch of people! Our family and friends continue to check in on us. That means more than any gift and makes me feel so loved and cared for. I can’t wait for Peanut to get here. I can’t wait to find out what they look like. I’m finding myself wondering if they will have green eyes, curly hair? Joes smile or mine, his lips, or my super middle eastern nose?
The anticipation is getting more real everyday. Even though the world has been turned upside down, there’s good and there is hope growing inside me.
In addition to all the warm fuzzy pregnancy feelings, Covid-19 has got me stressin’. The stay at home order has caused my business to be put on hold. Luckily I am a really good saver. I knew there would be a time where I wouldn’t be working because of a slow season or maternity leave. I’m thankful that I prepared for it.
Weddings have been getting cancelled, postponed and portrait sessions have been being pushed back and pushed back. No new inquiries are coming in and no one is booking shoots because we can’t leave the house. Some weddings have been postponed to when I will be on maternity leave.
There’s so many things logistically going on in my head at all times. And to top it off, we have no end date in sight. It’s hard to imagine that after the peak of this virus hits, and we flatten the curve, that weddings will be back on. I just can’t see that. I believe it’s going to be a slow process getting everything back to normal.
A part of me feels like a failure. I prided myself on being an equal breadwinner in our house. And now Joe is the only one bringing in money. I thankfully have my clients on payment plans, but now that new income is being generated it’s scary. And that’s a huge hit to my ego and pride. Letting go of that is really really hard especially for a Beyonce blasting, Wonder Woman, girl power chick like myself. Thankfully Joe is still working and we are secure. We have food, a roof over our head and our little Peanut is healthy. Trying not to get lost in the darkness and choosing bathe in the light each day.
Welp that’s all I got to say about this season, until next time, when I’m so big I won’t be able see my feet.
Also a little FRIENDLY PSA….Pregnant women hear “How are feeling?” like 100 times a week” so let’s mix it up! Ask about our jobs, our regular lives. We’re women, if something is on our mind, odds are we’ll call you up and tell you how we’re feeling.