January 22, 2020
So here it is, the real confusing, rollercoaster ride of emotion story of how we found out we were expecting and where we are going from here.
Flashback to January of 2019, I decided to stop taking birth control, to give my body a break from the hormones and just let it do it’s thing. Except it wasn’t doing it’s thing…or anything for that matter. Months went by without getting a period. Sorry guys if this is TMI…I just want everyone to understand the whole picture. So flash forward to July and I go into the doctors office for an on and off sore throat I’d been having and I mentioned to the nurse practitioner that my period was all outta whack. The last real period I got was in February. And the whole time in between Jan-July Joe and I were being “careful” just without me being the pill. So they sent me to go have an ultrasound a couple days later to look at my ovaries. I went in, had a pretty uncomfortable experience, mostly because I had to drink like a gallon of water, just kidding it wasn’t a gallon but it was way more water then I was used to drinking by 10am in the morning. So they do the ultrasound and I go home. Later that day, the same nurse practitioner who saw me a few days earlier called me and told me over THE PHONE that I have Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. If you don’t know what PCOS is here is a definition:
PCOS is a hormonal disorder common among women of reproductive age. Women with PCOS may have infrequent or prolonged menstrual periods or excess male hormone (androgen) levels. The ovaries may develop numerous small collections of fluid (follicles) and fail to regularly release eggs.Aug 29, 2017-Mayo Clinic
A major complication/result of having PCOS is Infertility, but heres the thing, when I went back to the doctors to see my OB, she told me I didn’t have any cysts! I’m also not overweight(another symptom of PCOS) and my hormone levels were completely NORMAL. So here I am, 25 years old, not getting a period, diagnosed with something(that you might not actually have) and I was being told that I am going struggle to get pregnant. Today, I am basically rejecting this diagnosis because I am umm HELLOOOOOO PREGNANT without any medical treatment or assistance and without having a consistent period/ovulation. I’ve also been on the pill since I was 17 so I was pretty used to being regular but that’s what the pill does so I don’t know. So that was why I mentioned the whole “haven’t gotten a period in months” thing to the NP.
After the Nurse Practitioner called me and told me I had PCOS I was devastated. She gave me no hope, told me theres really nothing I could or needed to do. Which BTW is crap because you can control the symptoms with diet but anyways, It was no joke probably a 8 minute conversation..maybe less. I couldn’t believe how short and cold the conversation was. So I’m sitting there, trying not to cry, tears welling up in my eyes and you guys it was just one of the worst experiences I could ever have OVER THE PHONE with someone in the professional medical field. I called Joe right after crying and just so confused and anxious. I was a mess but he assured me everything was gonna be fine and we’d talk more when he got home.
I couldn’t just sit there, angry and upset and wallow in my sadness, so I immediately made an app to see my OB, who I thought would be helpful and encouraging but when I went it to see her it was a complete waste of time. She went over my ultrasound, told me I didn’t have any cysts and my hormone levels were completely NORMAL and then said, “Call me when you want to get pregnant”, making Joe and I believe that it wasn’t going to happen without her help.
Soooo we stopped being “careful” and we just said if it happens on it’s own cool and if it doesn’t it wasn’t meant to be. The idea of absolutely having a child that was 100% biologically mine wasn’t and still isn’t a must and I knew adoption could be a real option for us, and it still could be, who knows. I 100% believed that it wasn’t going to happen on it’s own, so dang fast. I thought maybe it could happen in like a year but not 3 months later after being told it won’t happen and not 6-7 months after not having a period.
And so after that awful appointment and phone call I ended up getting a period in July…but that was the last one becauseeeee……what do you know not 3 months later in October I got pregnant! I didn’t feel any symptoms until mid Nov and after some nausea and throwing up a bit I finally took a home test a few days before Thanksgiving.
I always had this big plan of how I wanted to tell Joe that I was pregnant. I was going to buy him white New Balance sneakers…you know the ones that Dad’s wear? They’ve got grass stains and he wears them every Saturday? Yeah I wanted to give him total Dad shoes. But because of all this confusion of my PCOS diagnosis I was more open with him about what was going on with my body. I couldn’t keep a secret from him about what my body was doing and how my mind was doing. Cause I wasn’t doing well. I was sad and confused and just didn’t understand, I was young, healthy and didn’t have cysts, I just wasn’t getting a period. It sucked thinking that my body wasn’t going to do the ONE thing it was made to do. Obviously God was working a much bigger plan that I obviously couldn’t see after that phone call diagnosis in July.
The only reason I even took a test was because Joe told me to like twice…he must have known…and I was having morning sickness more consistently which I thought was just dehydration or the flu symptoms but it obviously wasn’t that.
So because I hadn’t gotten a period since July I really had no idea how far along I was. When I called the doctor to make an appointment the soonest they could bring me in was on JAN 9TH! The day after we came back from England. Luckily we came back on a Wednesday and Joe didn’t have to be back at work until Monday so he got to come with me. But that meant for us we couldn’t or at least we decided to not tell our families until we had the appointment. I didn’t want to tell them and have no answers to any of their questions so we waited. Thanksgiving and Christmas went by with only a handful of people knowing and we told our parent’s right after our ultrasound appointment. Some people were shocked to find out that we kept it a secret for so long but I really didn’t want to have to explain THIS SUPER LONG COMPLICATED STORY a million times so we just waited until we knew everything was okay.
I thought I was about 9-10 weeks at our appointment because of how bad my nausea and morning sickness was but when the doctor began the ultrasound she was like “uhhh no you’re about 14 weeks”. My exact words, were “Oh Shit there’s like a full on baby in there!”. I am due in July (not saying the actual day) which if I’m being honest, is kind of terrible and hilarious timing. Only because I have 8 weddings booked between June-August. This is one of my busiest wedding seasons ever with a total of 31 weddings!! I will be shooting 4 weddings in May and 4 more in June and thankfully I have found Joni with Joni Bilderback Photography to take over my July and August couples.
It has been so so so freaking hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I won’t physically be able to be there for my clients. I know I will love my baby more than my job but right now that concept is really hard for me to grasp. And I think it’s because I’ve never been a mom, only someone who has worked. Someone who has worked for herself, doing what she loves and doesn’t want to give that up and doesn’t want to fail at doing both. Running a business and being a good parent. I legit have had the thought that my baby isn’t as important as these weddings and that I’ll be missing out on serving them which is CRAZY IRRATIONAL AND MAKES NO SENSE. Every single one of my summer clients has been incredible. They have shown me grace and love that I 10000% was not expecting. I honestly was expecting them to walk away, get their refund and find someone else. But I know that is fear talking and I know deep down that I have built a beautiful business where people trust me, and know that I will take care of them no matter what. It still is a daily struggle to push out the fear and anxiety but you know what always helps with that?….DANCING IN THE KITCHEN.
I know that the Lord is giving us this child because He loves us (not saying that He doesn’t love those who he hasn’t given a child to). It truly is a blessing and miracle and also if I might add a huge middle finger to the medical professionals who gave me no hope that it would happen naturally. But I do also believe that I was becoming a workaholic and this child was given to us to teach me to set boundaries in our life, in my work life and home life. I feel like God saw me going down this path that wasn’t healthy and needed to get my focus back where it needed to be. I will forever be grateful that I serve a loving and gracious God who wouldn’t do anything that wasn’t for my good. Sometimes it’s impossible to see how certain things can be for good when to us they seem so so bad. Our brains just can’t and I think aren’t meant to comprehend bad things and at the same time there will be a good outcome in the future. So if you are struggling with infertility, know your story is not over, there is plan bigger than you can imagine and it is all being worked out for good. And know that even though we didn’t go through what many couples go through, I still had moments where I felt broken, unworthy of a being a parent, devastated that I wasn’t going to give my husband a child, my parents a grandchild, moments of complete devastation, insecurity and sadness. I did not have to sit in those feelings for long but I know those feelings, they were real and strong and I don’t wish them on my worst enemy.
“Every good and perfect gift is fro above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights who does not change like shifting shadows”-James 1:17
So heres our plan so far, we will be delivering our little peanut in July at the UCSD Jacobs Medical Center in their Birth Center. I am not taking on any more work from June-August but will be back to work the first weekend in September. We have decided to opt out of having a baby shower……I’ll save that for another blog post ….and we are not finding out the gender.
If you made it this far, wow I tip my hat to you and I thank you for being here a part of this motherhood and parenthood journey with Joe and I. If you are reading this and you want to book something with me before my life gets turned upside down, just holla at me right here. Also Joni will still be taking on weddings for me during June-August so if you know someone who is getting married this year, give em’ my info! I would love to add them to my calendar and I know Joni along with myself would love to serve them!